what am I doing here?

I ask myself that a couple of times a day.


With time I feel more disconnected with my community.
Reading about my elementary school becoming a charter school. Catching up with the lives of my sisters on facebook. Sharing those intimate moments with my boo on skype. This isn't living. It is an illusion we construct as reality.


And out of all places I am in New York, Manhattan to be specific. The city that attracts a bunch of folks who want see the urban city as a resume-building opportunity. From the teach for america teachers, to the non-paid interns, to the graduate students flooded in loans, oh my... what am I doing here?

My time is exhausted with all the reading and writing that academia requires. I pay about $250 for every lecture I attend. Fancy power points full of information that I already read in the books I already paid for. Graduate courses, when too large become lectures, when small become reading clubs, oh my what am I doing here? 


The metro lines are the city's veins. And the people, always in and out, are what keeps it going. I can't help to feel a sadness when everyone always looks like a zombie. Especially in this cold weather. No one wants to be out. 


Being in the belly of the beast has taught me a thing or two about what it eats to sustain itself. I know very well what its diet consist of, what it loves to eat, how it nourishes and strengthens itself. The question is can I exist in the belly of the beast without letting it consuming me? Can I really be in the belly of the beast and kill it, without killing myself in the process?  


All these questions... oh my, what am I doing here?

Nothing is Forever.

"Slow Dancing In A Burning Room"

It's not a silly little moment,
It's not the storm before the calm.
This is the deep and dying breath of
This love that we've been working on.

Can't seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms.
Nobody's gonna come and save you,
We pulled too many false alarms.

We're going down,
And you can see it too.
We're going down,
And you know that we're doomed.
My dear,
We're slow dancing in a burning room.

I was the one you always dreamed of,
You were the one I tried to draw.
How dare you say it's nothing to me?
Baby, you're the only light I ever saw.

I'll make the most of all the sadness,
You'll be a bitch because you can.
You try to hit me just to hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Because you can't understand.

We're going down,
And you can see it too.
We're going down,
And you know that we're doomed.
My dear,
We're slow dancing in a burning room.

Go cry about it - why don't you?
Go cry about it - why don't you?
Go cry about it - why don't you?

My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room,
Burning room,
Burning room,
Burning room,
Burning room.

Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?

Rejuvenacion

La vida
un ciclo de movimientos ardientes
Como las monarchas de mi tierra Purepecha
vuelo alta entre papalotes echos de plastico
mirando hacia enfrente rumbos desconocidos
mirando hacia atras... ay ya no puedo recordar!
ahora son puras memorias reconstruidas
solo se que en este viaje, sola no estoy.

Mis caminos cambiando con las temporadas
refugiada me quedare en un mundo zordo
mi familia creciendo con las distacias
mi curso de vida infinito
cada dia aceptando esa muerte natural
aprendiendo ha perder
aprendiendo ha derramar
aprendiendo ha dejarme caer
aprendiendo ha aceptar la realidad
aprendiendo ha aprender, preguntar, y escuchar.

Como las monarchas de mi tierra Purepecha
hamos realizado que para saltar y volar es necesario transformar
si juntos aprendemos ha desamprender
juntos aprenderemos ha sobrevivir.

Let me just tell you now, that cookie cutter ain't workin here.

I feel silenced in the classroom for not being academic enough. Too straight up, not sophisticated enough.

I feel silenced in the streets for being too academic. Too de la high, not down enough.

Live by ur own words.

No more bandage solutions from the top, at the end of the day its a system of death and destruction that will only serve the rich. Let the Republikkkans and Demokkkrats keep “fighting” for political power. These politrikkks of fear do not fundamentally change how the people suffer on a daily. No more shackles on our brains. No more fear of this repressive police state. WE NEED A TRUE COUNTER FORCE, A REVOLUTION.

In this revolutionary process, that we are already in, we are gon need everyone, everywhere. Hasta los que no tienen tacos para comer! And for this reason we all need a broader analysis' of those interlocking systems of domination that perm...eate the lives of folks that think their actions are powerless against the system. It will be a revolution of inclusion, not exclusion. It won't be as black and white as the "inside and outside" dichotomy of struggle we so often submit to.

No need to call anyone a Tom simply cuz they are throwin putasos "in the inside". We know very well academia is a colonial tool that has historically been used to control the powerless, to make them think they are powerless. In the same way that other levels of government continue to be used for colonization rather than liberation. In spite of this, some have used those dominant social institutions to reclaim knowledge that has been brutally taken away. Therefore, we cannot completely shut our brothers and sisters fighting within the system for political reasons such as liberating the mind from over 500 years of colonization. There is, however, a problem when folks buy into it, become careerist, and they do it all for their own gain, power, and privilege. Or when folks do missionary work that perpetuates a system of domination that is more self-fulfilling than anything else and that views the common folk as powerless within their own reality. The worst is when people actually believe that everything is okay the way it is because otherwise there would be anarchy. That is colonization at its best. You see these social systems were meant to control our minds, our imaginations, and our spiritual freedom. That is why we have schooling, "criminal justice" systems, etc. Yet, we can't be using hateful language to exclude folks who are still able to imagine another world in the midst of all that violence. You are attacking the wrong... folks. This revolution won't be governed by oppression Olympics or activist battles on who is "more down".

This revolutionary process won't be like any other we've ever seen before. This empire isn't falling the same way that others have historically fallen. The politics of fear that govern our social institutions are only going to intensify with time. Rather than to live in fear that the FBI might know this form of thought, I welcome this transformative process we are in. Like every war we have ever experienced, lives have already been lost in the struggle. No more of that "peaceful" rhetoric to reform the institution of death and destruction. In the end all it does is pacify people into accepting the way "life is suppose to be". Sorry I will never starve myself for reform. That was done at its fullest effect 40 years ago with the Civil Rights Movement. People have been starving their whole lives and have resorted to creation not destruction. Creating living systems of inclusion. Every community is different and should have the right to govern they way they see fit. You see, in this war we all want to eat different kind of tacos and many of us just don't like tacos to begin with. Its the struggle of coexistence, where no one wants to be dominated and everyone wants to be able to create their own ways of living.

Child(in da)hood

Mujercita
Creces en un mundo sordo
Donde llantos lejanos viven ‘bajo un mismo techo
Y al fin los quedamos aislados en la vida de rutina.

Mujercita
Vives en un mundo siego
Cuando en las calles las paredes no hablaran en tu nombre
Lo han visto todo y al fin los quedamos invisibles.

Mujercita
Trucha, que risas de innocencia terminan su baile sin aplausos
Esos charcos de agua apareceran como lagrimas, de repente y temporal.
En la ciudad pasos de la vida no son facil y al fin seguiras luchando.

Mujer
La hora que te quitaran tu niñez ya viene llegando
Y al fin siguiras adelante
Esta ves con tus alas para seguir volando.

My love is too roller-coaster to have thrown back on my face.

I just watched the film For Colored Girls. There was a scene when all the characters came together and each one said "My love is too ___ to have thrown on my face." I was inspired and must write about it soon. In the meantime, I'll fill in the blank.

All the womyn laughed while one said, "Yes, and you remember that when a man tries to walk off with all your stuff."

this was really the day before.

Today.
I woke up feeling cold.
I felt fat at times.
I felt lazy.
I felt uncomfortable.
I ditched class.
I didn't do anything in 2 of my classes.
I wanted to cry.
I loved the way the sun's heat touched my skin.
I was disgusted by the smog coming from a car.
I thought to myself, "how can people be so rude?"
I was dissappointed in the fact that Bush will be our president for 4 more years.
I wanted to lay down on tall grass and feel bugs crawl on me.
I again thought, "so I guess tomorrow never comes."
I wished I was somewhere other than were I was.
I felt like dying my hair, crimson.
I bite my nails without really realizing it.
I wanted to get home and lay on my bed.
I was happy at the thought that today I have no homework.
I felt confused.
I felt as if I was in a place I didn't have to be.. I didn't want to be in.
I thought about how happy people look.
I thought about my thoughts.
I wasn't hungry, but I aet.
I didn't want to look in the mirror.
I felt a bit of jealousy.
I hear gossip.
I told someone to shut up.
I felt anger in me.
I thought, 'why do unimportaint things matter to people?'
I felt annoyed.
I wanted someone to hug me.
I talked to friends.
I walked alone.
I hugged and kissed my cat.
I reflected on the day.
I looked at things outside my body.
I wanted to scream from the top of my lungs and hope no one will hear me.
I hoped the phone rang.
I wondered what I would do on the next day.
I thought about when I heard, 'this is what a feminist looks like.'
I wonder what it would feel to be someone else's shoes.
I thought about how I felt and gave up.

 

[Reminiscing about my past as I looked through my online journals.. I found this. I still remember those days when I thought I was wiser than most my age. Posted on 11/04/2004.]

preparing for the coldest winter of my life!

Zanahorias, beets, ginger, celery, and apples for more sweetness! 

 

building my immunities so that I can continue giving it my all! 

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xplorando otra dimension.

Lately everythin around me is poetry
allowing my mind to flow endlessly
Sitting through a lecture and all I see
A mechanic type of learnin that resembles a spelling bee

Feelin like a rock, tumblin down from this mountain top
Causing a disturbance and aint no one ever gonna make me stop
Cuz as I roll through the depths of pain and suffering
i know that only through this struggle can i know a justice that's more loving

So listen to the beat of this heart and you'll know
that to part is simply not the way i flow
Committed til the end even if seems
like Im falling and soon crashing, but just wait til I pick up my wings.

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Beauty in Harlem, a new beginning.

Live Jazz at Marcus Garvey Park while enjoying grub from Uptown Juice Bar. "A healthy community is a wealthy community." Bought an altar piece made from the people of Gineau, on the western coast of Africa. Cannot wait to meditate to Jamaican copal. Will finally begin African danza tomorrow!

You know how they say those whom you meet for the least amount of time could make the biggest impression in your life. Well it's true.

I met an elder at a store where they sell all African tela, dresses, bags, and jewlery. While looking for tela to make curtains and pillows he said if he could ask me three questions. We ended up having an amazing conversation about Rastafarianism, conquest, and commitment. Lucha=Assata, I shared with him the story behind my name. Tlazocamatli Ifa Tune Wa Shae, I hope our paths are meant to cross once more.

An elder who I sat next to while J.D. Allen's music described how the mayor has charges against him for stealing money from the city. Once the mayor who is running again got up there several people booed at him. I shared with him a similar experience with Villaragosa at the Dolores Huerta 80th bday concert. Must be a good puppet if they can continue talking through all that. The politrikkks will never end.

I layed down to rest my back and saw too many palomas to count. Reminiscing, nine years old now twenty-two. Signs of hope. I know I am in the right direction.

A brother with locks saw me and said, "Those feathered earrings are from the imperialist." I told him how the imperialist took our sacred feathers and burned them like they did with our gold and silver. Smiling he said, "I was just testing you. You do know whats up." He invited me to join the drum circle. 

While feeling the vibrations of the drum circle, wishing I didn't have so much to carry so I could have just let my body lose itself in the rhythms, I had a conversation with a sista about how I feel a deep connection to African danza. "Of course, its simple. You just let yourself go, let your spirit dance. There is no right way of doing it. Anyone can do it."

On my way home to Washington Heights I saw the brother that Xam and I met by the Apollo. On our first encounter he wanted to remind us that Black people today are in no condition different then all the pictures he showed us of Black people being lynched. Learning to resist... Resisting to learn....

Gates are meant to intensify the violence and suppression. Columbus-ia might not let us all in, but the struggle to hustle and get by continues. The learning by doing continues. For some reason, I am more excited to hit the streets than to hit the books. Feliz como lumbris, aver que sorpresa me encuentro mañana!

Let us ask, where does this Otro Mundo we so much preach about reside?

How does one coexist when there are forces of domination that are destroying our ways of being, hopes, and desires? The answer lies somewhere within our constant struggle to be autonomous beings that can think and live freely in such a way that does not dictate a notion of liberation in the lives of others.

I think of the struggle in Israel-Palestine and I begin to reflect on my own struggle growing up in Compton and how this 10 square mile geopolitical space I call home is bordered by the 91, 110, 105, and 710 freeways.. then I think of how the Pasadena community has not allowed the expansion of the 110 freeway and I don't wonder why because I know. I simply think of the Chavez Ravine that is now the Dodger Stadium or the South Central Farm that will probably soon become a warehouse for Forever 21.

I see the Mexico-U.S. border and I do not see that reality of living as refugees as any different than the state of apartheid I grew up in or that folks in Israel-Palestina experience. The racial profiling in the East is no different than the one that already happens in my hood or that is now being legalized in Arizona with SB-1070. I am thinking about how my dad's struggle for survival- to exist was dependent upon him crossing the U.S.-Mexico border several times. And I think of the things he would tell me growing up about his anti-capitalist views of the world. If there were co-existence in our pueblito in Mexico then why would he move somewhere where he knew he'd become more vulnerable to a premature death?

Within each other we may coexist, but between one another we may not be able to. It is dependent upon our survival. The question then becomes, how can we rethink our ways of survival that allows for the coexistence of all life?

Blessed.

Sage, Lavender, now Rosemary!
Thank you Creador de Vida for placing these medicines across my paths.

Radicals of the East

I've been thinking about the pacification of our people now that we have a Black president. A puppet meant to preserve this hierarchical system, meant to favor a few. I've been thinking about anarchism as well and just trying to tease out what it really means. Can anarchist ways of thinking and living rest among a large majority in the U.S. I want to learn more about the religious and political movements of the Middle East. In particular, about those groups that do not want anything to do with politic, social issues, activism, etc.

How do we achieve co-existence when there will always be those trying to dominate..!?

Why is the U.S. so terrorized by these extremist? Why are they so enraged with the West? And, do they want to impose their views on the world like how the West is doing. hmmm... too many questions, not enough sources of information or adequate time to do this subject justice.

Sharing mah thoughts to mah love, cuz sharing is caring =)

Corazon, I have a lot on my mind these days. Today I have been questioning the purpose of education. Is the purpose of education to advance society? If so, how is the success of that determined? And does that process and outcome of success go against our fundamental values in social/economic justice?

This is why I'd rather not deal with education at the moment, but would rather have a discussion about the crisis of learning. We are no longer able to express ourselves freely without consequences. From the academic freedom of the teacher, to the freedom of speech of the student. I'd say we have a crisis that is increasing surveillance/testing, policing/policies/criminalization, elimination/assimilation/deportation/genocide. While this is happening the divide between rich and poor is increasing. We are living in a modern state of colonialism. Where you can have an ipod, choose between coke n pepsi, charter school or traditional public school and still never leave your golden cage.

Hey Mechista once you have your B.A. and become part of the middle-class, what job will you be left to have? Join the force of non-profits, social workers, probation officers, and many other job sectors that are forced to continue the bandage work, merely brief alleviations that do not address the root of the problem. Yeah, we may need a bit of therapy, heck give me a vacation, but nuestra gente ain't the problem.

There have been several interventions made to address the current conjuncture. Our strategies have looked different over time because the urgency of those issues have looked different over time. Never should we cease being reactionary to the ills we face, but always should we prevent future ills from coming down on us. One of those strategies is by thinking critically of the way we organize our daily lives. For example, why do we call our gestures of love “actions” or “meetings” or “conferences” why do we use robert’s rules of silence, i mean... orders? who/what is robert trying to order? Our replication of the man’s way of organizing has made us loose the essence of our encuentros.

In our constant efforts to redefine ourselves let us learn how history has shaped us. In brief we can say the Plan de Aztlan was a nationalist call to bring all Brown people togetha. The Plan de Santa Barbara was a call for Chicana/o Latina/o Studies to be integrated within institutions of "higher learning." Forty years later we have some Xicanas at UCSB saying YA BASTA! It aint enough for us to have established departments, (research) centers, organizations, and conferences of our own. What are the dangers and risks that we face for becoming an institution within an institution? What are the dangers of organizing along ethnic lines and not simultaneously building bridges across the issues we all suffer from?

We need to take a step back, so that our efforts are not solely reactionary. Rather, so that they can leave a revolutionary imprint that calls for the transformation we need. So that our children won't have to put up with the same. There is a low intensity war within the states and it is attacking the most vulnerable first (our children, elders, the poor, the most accessible food, etc). Let us continue the conversation with a couple of questions that the Zapatistas continue to ask themselves:
I. What are we?
II. Where we are now (the current conjucture)?
III. How we see the world?
IV. How we see our country which is the U.S.
V. What we want to do?
VI. How we are going to do it?

What are we up against.........What is it that we are counter-attacking, representations of Imperialism and Capitalism, such as politicians and their bills? AND/OR The political system itself? Do we want unity or solidarity? The struggle of our time is to co-exist. The hardest tasks is having an imagination of our own and listening to one another. Education is easy and deadly. This here is where the real challenge to learning comes in....

Already living the otro mundo we talk about,
Lucha